Thinking Kind of Day
I have been sitting all day. Went out last night, had a few drinks and had a really good time. But, that lead to a really shitty lucid dream kind of morning. I endured insane dreams about my boyfriend leaving me, about him cheating on me - actually cheating on me, not just having an online relationship with someone. I dreamt he actually sleept with someone else, about him kissing, holding hands, falling in love with someone else. And forgetting about me.
It’s really weird because Brandon and I have had so much stuff we’ve gone through and I’ve always been able to work through it. He’s had relationships with girls through the internet - he’s never physically cheated… but he’s had a relationship with 2 girls over the past 3 years whom I found out about on my own. One was confronted by me, and I forced him to confront her in front of me to prove to me it’s over - the poor thing, and the other was discarded by him without my full knowledge until after it was over. Both times he broke 2 people’s hearts. Theirs, and mine. But for some reason, I forgave him and continue to forgive him.
He’s been the kind of boyfriend who has tested my limits and tested my breaking point a few times. And he’s bent the rules so much, I’m not exactly sure what they are anymore. Where is the limit of hurting me? Where is the limit of time we spend in 2 different states? Am I expendable like a girl from the internet, or am I actually important enough to marry like he says he wants to?
I guess only time will tell, because I am too happy reveling in the happy moments, holding on so fucking tight to the happy moments, that I am happy as a blissfully ignorant person. I think myself to be weak when it comes to him. But I also know that if I left him, he would be just as miserable as I would be.
When times are good and fair and how they’re supposed to be, our love is a wonderful love. A love that has kept us going and moving towards a future for the past 3 years. It’s such a different dynamic than any other relationship type. We have been long distance for 3 years - He’s in Tennessee, and I am in a tired old Atlanta suburb trying to get the hell out (which is an ENTIRELY different post). It’s hard to be here, and him be there.
I love there so much. Not just because of him, but that PLACE. That city. It’s where we feel deeper in love. It’s gorgeous and artsy and fun and there’s a river and a aquarium and him. It’s right where I wanna be. And I can’t wait till it’s my home. We have to work on our relationship near one another, and see how our relationship changes, or diminishes. I fully intent to move to him just because with, or without him, I love it there. I can be happy there.
I am waiting on a few things that Brandon needs to acquire before I run off and leave all of my friends, family, and comfortable life:
- A Car
- A Job
- Money
- And complete one ear of school
I really don’t want to move there unless all of that stuff is done, bc then I will have too much on my plate. I don’t want my boyfriend to take, take, take and never give. I need him to take care of me. I need him to be a man. I need him to work hard and make a life for us just like I work so hard for. If he had those things and that attitude, I would move tomorrow. For me, It’s really just a waiting game. I am an impatient person, so you can obviously see the irony in this situation. I hope you can empathize. It’s hard to be away from the one you love. The one who you’ve been through so much with. The one who has asked you to marry him. Got down on one knee with nothing but a Claddagh and a promise. I wish you could help me. Tell me what to do other than wait, or while I wait. Alas, you are out of words for the situation just as everyone else. And my head hurts from putting feelings to words.
Until next time Huckleberry friends. Be easy on the Moon River. And feel free to send me any advice you see fit. I would love a little help from my friends.
-Ky
