Moon River Crossing

It’s Been a While

Life is fabulous. 

I can’t put it into words enough how much I love being alive. There are very few things in my life that I do not like, or despise. There are a million things I love. There is one man I love. One ring I love. One day I am going to love. And I cannot wait to be there in my Soft White Gown saying “I Do”. Planning has taken me away from blogging. But soon the planning will be over and the waiting will be on. We opted for a long engagement so we could spread out paying for everything, and also because the place we want to be married is book through August 2012. We chose August 11, 2012 as our date because we will be together 5 years that day. We are getting married by the Tennessee River in Chattanooga at 7:30 in the evening. =]

Can’t wait to marry my best friend!  

Marriage, Keggers, and Islands…

I know this post is a bit unconventional… but today, I was triggered by a very serious undertone in the conversations I have been having lately…

I cannot stand the ridiculous superiority complex of married women. I know that one day I will join the ranks of married women, but I hope to keep my head below the clouds when talking to my single friends. All of my friends are getting married. One by one, they walk down the isle in these white dresses that all look the same (White, Strapless, Train, Cheap…etc…etc…) and they have like 10 BM that are all the same, and the same 10 groomsmen, and the same flowers, and the same venue. It’s mundane. It’s boring. It’s EXPENSIVE. And though all of this ceremonious mumbo-jumbo, I have to stop and think about what is really going on here. I can’t figure out (FOR THE LIFE OF BUDDAH) what about this supposedly joyous “uniting ceremony” is actually about the couple. Then it knocked me off my chair hit me like a brick…

NOT A DAMN THING.

The only reason why all of these people are getting married in their pretty little churches, with their pretty little flowers, Bridesmaids, Groomsmen, and Wedding gowns is for the spectacle of it all… A girl’s wedding is one of the only things in our culture that makes it okay for her to torture her friends and family, be the “HBIC”, and a demand that everything goes the right way for “Her Day”. Realistically, Bridezillas are a very real thing in American culture (trust me, I know. I work at David’s Bridal as a Wedding consultant). Weddings have become excuses for nastiness, over-zealous spending of unnecessary money, and the ruin of thousands of bridesmaid’s self confidence after being forced to wear a tangerine colored monstrosity. 

I love weddings that are about the couple. I love the idea of running away to a small island and tying the knot at the beach or a teeny, tiny church somewhere down there and going to a restaurant for our reception. I don’t want to have a kegger just because it’s the cool thing to do. And I want no bridesmaids - just my sister. And I want my man waiting on my to take me and only me for as long as we live. I want him to tell me everything he wants out of our life together, I want to tell him everything I want in our life together. I want dinner, wedding cake, and a perfect wedding night. =]

I want a good day about me and B. I don’t care what social pressures exist for weddings. It should be about celebrating the start of forever, not how big of a party you can throw. It should be about love, family, new beginnings, and soulmates rather than demeaning the people around you for personal or monetary gain. Call me romantic Bridezillas, but that’s how the dry ass fondant crumbles on the Moon River that is life!

-Ky

Thinking Kind of Day

I have been sitting all day. Went out last night, had a few drinks and had a really good time. But, that lead to a really shitty lucid dream kind of morning. I endured insane dreams about my boyfriend leaving me, about him cheating on me - actually cheating on me, not just having an online relationship with someone. I dreamt he actually sleept with someone else, about him kissing, holding hands, falling in love with someone else. And forgetting about me. 

It’s really weird because Brandon and I have had so much stuff we’ve gone through and I’ve always been able to work through it. He’s had relationships with girls through the internet - he’s never physically cheated… but he’s had a relationship with 2 girls over the past 3 years whom I found out about on my own. One was confronted by me, and I forced him to confront her in front of me to prove to me it’s over - the poor thing, and the other was discarded by him without my full knowledge until after it was over. Both times he broke 2 people’s hearts. Theirs, and mine. But for some reason, I forgave him and continue to forgive him.

He’s been the kind of boyfriend who has tested my limits and tested my breaking point a few times. And he’s bent the rules so much, I’m not exactly sure what they are anymore. Where is the limit of hurting me? Where is the limit of time we spend in 2 different states? Am I expendable like a girl from the internet, or am I actually important enough to marry like he says he wants to? 

I guess only time will tell, because I am too happy reveling in the happy moments, holding on so fucking tight to the happy moments, that I am happy as a blissfully ignorant person. I think myself to be weak when it comes to him. But I also know that if I left him, he would be just as miserable as I would be. 

When times are good and fair and how they’re supposed to be, our love is a wonderful love. A love that has kept us going and moving towards a future for the past 3 years. It’s such a different dynamic than any other relationship type. We have been long distance for 3 years - He’s in Tennessee, and I am in a tired old Atlanta suburb trying to get the hell out (which is an ENTIRELY different post). It’s hard to be here, and him be there.

I love there so much. Not just because of him, but that PLACE. That city. It’s where we feel deeper in love. It’s gorgeous and artsy and fun and there’s a river and a aquarium and him. It’s right where I wanna be. And I can’t wait till it’s my home. We have to work on our relationship near one another, and see how our relationship changes, or diminishes. I fully intent to move to him just because with, or without him, I love it there. I can be happy there. 

 I am waiting on a few things that Brandon needs to acquire before I run off and leave all of my friends, family, and comfortable life:

• A Car
• A Job
• Money
• And complete one ear of school

I really don’t want to move there unless all of that stuff is done, bc then I will have too much on my plate. I don’t want my boyfriend to take, take, take and never give. I need him to take care of me. I need him to be a man. I need him to work hard and make a life for us just like I work so hard for. If he had those things and that attitude, I would move tomorrow. For me, It’s really just a waiting game. I am an impatient person, so you can obviously see the irony in this situation. I hope you can empathize. It’s hard to be away from the one you love. The one who you’ve been through so much with. The one who has asked you to marry him. Got down on one knee with nothing but a Claddagh and a promise. I wish you could help me. Tell me what to do other than wait, or while I wait. Alas, you are out of words for the situation just as everyone else. And my head hurts from putting feelings to words. 

Until next time Huckleberry friends. Be easy on the Moon River. And feel free to send me any advice you see fit. I would love a little help from my friends. 

-Ky

Hello Huckleberry Friends!

I have recently come out of a fog in my short life that has allowed me to be more open with my thoughts. In contingency with those realizations, I have decided to blog. It is not a blog to impress anyone or to to give advice. It is just to chronicle thoughts, dreams, hopes, wishes, events, and misguidances of me.

Who am I? I am a 21 year young woman. I am already rattling some screws loose in my head because of growing older. I am fearing the arrival of my 25th birthday just because I know my quarter life crisis is inevitable. I am welcoming the arrival of my 30th birthday, when my “Give a Damn” will finally be busted. Until then, I will continually dread growing another year older and having nothing to show for the year I am leaving behind. Luckily, that fear drives me to live life with a fury and passion and forgiveness other people do not have. 

I am a forgiving person. Do not mistake me for a forgetting person, for that I am not. I just choose to forgive those who have hurt me because it is easier to make room for their love than to foster any hate in my heart. I would rather let bygones be bygones, and choose my actions more carefully next time. 

I am lucky to have a man in my life that I care for very much. Things are very hard right now for us, and we are trying to make things work despite the helplessness we feel at this moment. It is the worst thing to love some one so much, and know exactly what they require, bequeath the Lord and the universe to deliver those requirements, and never see them coming. It poses a lot of questions that I am afraid to ask in my very first post, but hopefully as I grow into this experience I will know when the time is right for me to go searching for those answers via MoonRiverCossing. 

I am Strong. I am beautiful. I am no stranger to love. I am no stranger to hate. I am not perfect. I never will be perfect. I have tattoos. I have piercings. I have an insurmountable appetite for knowledge and reading and life. I am excited to embark on the journey this post begins with blogging, and to chronicle and share the life I lead -  interesting or not.

“Moon River, wider than a mile, 

I’m crossing you in style some day. 

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker, 

wherever you’re going I’m going your way. 

Two drifters off to see the world. 

There’s such a lot of world to see. 

We’re after the same rainbow’s end— 

waiting ‘round the bend, 

my huckleberry friend, 

Moon River and me”

-Moon River (1961)